Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Gluten ant

Dear idiots of the world:
You can get a "carb coma" from anything with carbohydrates.
That means beans, corn (starch), sugary drinks, booze, rice, potatoes (starch), and, yes, wheat. Wheat is not the only "carb coma" inducing food. Saying you are "going gluten-free" and regret eating wheat when you get into a "carb coma" only highlights your idiocy.

Oh, what happens when *I* eat wheat? I break out in hives, rashes, and shit myself inside-out.
Yes, my rectum becomes a river of agony and death, but please, tell me more about how sleepy you get from that mean old wheat!

If carb comas are your problem, I have your solution; eat less carbohydrates, of all kinds. If you have such poor self control that you have to cut out all delicious baked goods, just so you won't devour 50 croissants, I hate to break it to you; gluten-free foods will not save you. One day we will master the gluten-free pain au chocolat, and then? Then, you're fucked. Because wheat was never YOUR problem.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kill an elk with my flatulence.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014